I tried scuba diving, and it wasn’t for me

Somehow, I swallow water. My breathing breaks its rhythm. I start breathing through my nose, water everywhere. I panic. I hold my breath, swim as fast as I can to the surface, reach for the sky, and finally gasp for air, coughing. The instructor joins me and shouts, annoyed “Never, ever, do this again! You could seriously hurt yourself!”

Meanwhile, my diving partner and boyfriend was having the time of his life, going down, emptying his mask and removing his tuba like a fish (well, if fishes were using diving equipment!).

When adventures don’t go as planned

Before I left for my trip of a lifetime, I wrote down the things I was looking forward to. Taking the Open water diving certificate easily placed in the top 3. For years I had been wanted to do, especially after great snorkelling experiences in Australia and Bali. It was supposed to be one of the best experiences of the trip. But it wasn’t. It became the most disappointing part of the trip. Just two weeks into a several months journey. As we made our way back to the hostel, I just walked in silence. Everything had been a struggle: finding a mask that wasn’t leaking, sinking down, clearing my mask without panicking.

I passed – with honorous, the irony!- the final theory test, did the mandatory 20m dives and practical tests. On paper, I did everything right. But relief was stronger than pride. The perspective of going back for another dive was petrifying me. I felt claustrophobic to the highest level, and could not help thinking how helpless I was down there, without fresh air.

This experience taught me that passing a test doesn’t always mean you are ready. Knowing how to assess your own abilities is paramount for your safety, and for the safety of the group.

Is diving for everyone?

It is difficult to say what went wrong with it. I thought maybe the fast paced scheme was not for me and I needed more time. Maybe starting in a pool instead of directly in the sea in a quiet bay, would have been better. I decided I would not be defeated.

A few years later, as we book our trip to Indonesia, I decided to give it another go and to go for a refresher course in a small indoor pool. This seemed to be the perfect conditions. As I went down in the small pool I immediately started to panic, I tried to calm myself but started hyperventilating in an uncontrollable way, just 50cm below the surface.  I got out of the pool, in a state I had never been in before, tried to relax with the hope to get back in. But the fear was so strong that I made my way back to the changing rooms and eventually home, sobbing, discouraged, somehow relieved and disappointed all at the same time. I was proud I tried to overcome my fear but devastated I couldn’t get myself to do it. The next day we booked our cruise in Indonesia, I signed up for the snorkelling option.

Closing the chapter

This brought back a tough reality for me, who has always liked to try new things: you may not like everything you try. It took me a long time to accept.

I am ashamed to admit that it was very hard to let go and that reliving these experiences while writing still triggered serious discomfort. Pushing through fear isn’t always the bravest thing to do.

I am now finishing the last version of this article, which I took 10 years to write. So maybe now, I am finally closing that chapter.